That which tweaks us, teaches us.

What do you think of when I say the word 'ego'?

Does it conjure up images of people who only talk about themselves? Or perhaps someone who always seems to be angling to get something out of every interaction? Someone who seems to be very quick to insert their accomplishments into every conversation or constantly steer the discussion toward their own interests?  

Rarely would we even reference someone's ego unless we feel it is inflated, most often it is a negative reference and one that we might only reserve for those we don't think very highly of. Often, these people in our lives are the ones who elicit frustration, anger, annoyance or even stronger emotions within us. They press our buttons and trigger things within us that can be uncomfortable to feel. For this reason, we tend to try and avoid people like this in our lives, just as we also tend to avoid many things that cause us to feel discomfort.

For most of us, when we experience an emotion, a sensation or even a thought that we don't like, we will naturally lash out at what we see to be the trigger or cause for that. Usually it is someone or something external to us. This is an act of our own ego to protect us from discomfort.

This is exactly what ego's do, they are our protectors.

So what really is our ego?

I like to think of our ego as a constructed sense of self.

When we are first born, we just are. There is no separation of the self from the ego, no worrying about what people think of us or distractions to take us away from our sole purpose in life- survival. Because we depend on our parents or caregivers for survival, the natural conclusion of our emerging brains is that we are simply an extension of those important people in our lives. As small children it takes some years before there is an awareness within us that realises that we are separate beings, thus starting a lifelong journey of building self awareness and learning more about ourselves. During this time we are bombarded with comments and observations from the world about how others perceive us to be. The 'quiet baby', the 'bossy toddler', the 'smart child', the 'adventurous boy', the 'good girl'- these are all labels assigned to us before we really have any say in it. By the time we hit our teenage years it's easy to feel like a collection of labels layered on top of us so thickly that we're not even sure what lies beneath them all- Who am I really? What do I want to do with my life? What is important to me? Our teenage years are fraught with these sorts of questions as we try to differentiate between this heavily fortified constructed sense of self and the quietly emerging felt sense of self that lies beneath it all. Into adulthood we continue to collect labels as we take on roles as partner, parent, employee, friend, carer. Like a gobstopper slowly amassing layers, the core of our being becomes ever shrouded in more and more complexity that may or may not feel like it really 'fits' us. Most of these layers form part of what I would refer to as our ego. These labels and outer 'parts' perform the role of protecting our profound inner core in the absence of self awareness. The less familiar we are with that enigmatic seat of our own inner wisdom, the more heavily fortified the ego becomes with labels and external roles.

From Ego to Awareness

For many, this lifelong journey of collecting parts and labels is an unconscious one. If we spend little time learning how to engage in the quiet introspection needed to become familiar with our internal landscape and the deep seated wisdom it holds, our ego (or constructed sense of self) tends to be the main part of us on show. Disconnected from ourselves, or values, our goals, our desires, our strengths, what manifests in the world is just our accomplishments. We armour ourselves with external validation to mask the internal fragility. Ironically a strong ego can be just as much a sign of a fragile sense of self as those people who seem incredibly self conscious. For me personally, the process of burnout and rebuild was very much characterised by needing to learn about myself as independent from all these accumulated outer layers that didn't seem to 'fit' anymore.

The journey from an egocentric self to a more stable and enduring sense of self is characterised in Ryan and Deci's Self Determination Theory model. The continuum culminating in the ultimate point of Intrinsic Motivation where all regulation of the internal environment from desire to motivation to happiness itself, comes from within. This state of being whereby the storms of the external world- other peoples moods or actions, making mistakes or not reaching goals that we set for ourselves- don't disrupt your inner sense of calm, is a very welcome side effect of the journey of self awareness. There are many ways to engage in this process- self discovery, meditation, coaching or support from mental health professionals using a variety of different tools. One such psychological paradigm is the Internal Family Systems model which poses that each of us is made of a variety of parts that all have this same wholesome goal of self preservation. The goal of this form of therapy is to become more familiar with each of these 'parts' of ourselves that form at different points in our lives and the title of Richard Schwartz's transformative book on the topic- No Bad Parts, hints at the fact that even our ego's are not in fact 'bad' parts of us.

From Self Preservation to Self Determination.

So how do we move from simply re-acting to everything that happens to us (self preservation) to a more proactive role where we are not always relying on external validation that the ego seeks?

In learning how to notice when we ourselves feel triggered- or in other words, our ego has been activated- we give ourselves the opportunity to pause and reflect not on that other person or what they did, but instead on ourselves- on what part of us is feeling uncomfortable and ask ourselves why that might be? What does that part of me need? Is it validation? Is it rest? Is it gentle encouragement or perhaps even the light of our own compassionate internal voice?

As we learn how to notice when things bother us, we give ourselves the opportunity to focus on those things within our control- our own responses & actions- while not wasting our precious time and energy on those things we cannot control- the responses and action of others. Each repeated act of gentle self inquiry, where we approach our experience with curiosity rather than judgement, we begin to deepen our understanding of who we are and what is important to us. Over time, this builds to show us those values that are non-negotiable in our lives and how we want to live a life in alignment with them. But it all begins with the simple act of becoming curious- of cultivating this state of what we call in mindfulness non judgemental curiosity.

So how do we get there?

If we assume for a moment that all of us just want to be happy, Ram Dass' comment- "we are all just walking each other home"- describes the profound nature of this lifelong journey we are all on. We all just want to be the happiest, healthiest versions of ourselves and we all have a role to play in helping each other get there. In learning how to calm our own nervous system- to be less reactive and egoic, we offer the world the gift of of co-regulation. This is what Ram Dass was talking about, walking along side our family, friends, co-workers and even those who trigger us, as we gently guide ourselves back toward our own innate nature of curiosity, wonder and joy- toning down the reactivity of our own egos in response to the volatility of the world and calmly "walking home" to ourselves.

If you would like to try an exercise to begin to notice with curiosity your own reactions and how your ego might show up in your life I've included an audio file here with this blog to do just that. If you'd like to join one of my online meditation classes then you can check them out here, or if you'd like to find some of the other ways you can work with me on this topic or many others around self awareness, meditation, mindfulness, self compassion or self care then you can check out those details here.

 Learning to approach ourselves with curiosity rather than judgement is a process, try be kind to yourself as you embark upon it, and please reach out if you need some help.